Probably gonna keep this one a little shorter than normal. Pretty tired and just ate dinner. Watch a movie or two and drift away to sleep. I recorded for a few hours and got another 2 songs done today. Four down, six more to go. It was really quiet and nice out. It usually is around here but it rained which I love. Pretty soon I can start working on merch ideas (stickers and t-shirts, record cover, all that fun shit). I love designing that crap. One step at a time. I need the music done first. Moving at a good pace though. Getting there quick. Sent the book off to be edited yesterday and even sold a couple of my pieces online. I tell you what, putting down Ol' Grandpappy's Cough Syrup works wonders. I am finally back to myself again and it feels great. I wasted years of my life hooked on that fucking sauce. Years, all day and night. I wanted to do all of the things I am doing now but I had no drive at all. I would start drinking in the morning, every morning and just sit around like a fucking sack of skin and bones. I was always a drinker but mostly at night. Then I spent an entire decade as the skin sack bones. All day, every day. In all honesty. I wanted to die. I was tired of feeling let down tired of myself. Severe depression. Booze don't help that shit. None of that shit helps. It's a temporary remedy.
All day I thought about that. I WANTED TO DIE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. Literally. At least that's what I believed. Today I thought about how I tried and tried to drink myself to death over and over again. Over and over and over again. Always woke up and started trying again. Sometimes in the lobby of the apartment building that I lived in. Sometimes on the floor of my apartment naked in a pool of my own piss and vomit, sometimes blood and destroyed things. I woke up on the roof of the building like that a couple times. I must have not been able to get in my own apartment so I climbed the fire escape.. Then I would just spend the day, sometimes days without a shower and naked, wouldn't eat anything or brush my teeth. I would stay locked in my place doing it all over again. Man, Io weeks without eating just drinking booze and water. and puking it right back up...for days on end. Sometimes I would eat fruit or something but not very often. I would just order fruit, Cliff Bars and more booze. I would have it delivered so I didn't have to put on clothes or go anywhere. It was always just straight, whiskey or vodka. I had a tequila spell for a while too. Same results. I always woke up. Usually, the way I described before (puke, piss, blood, broken furniture and other things). Never any "real" drugs though. Never appealed to me. Just a never ending booze drip. Empty bottles all over the place. Obviously it didn't work.
I even sort of got busted once try to off myself. That was in like November 2017 I want to say...something like that. I was sitting on the little porch, had my .38, the fields of sugarcane surrounding were high. I think it was November, maybe October. The fields go on for miles around there. Even just fields in general and wooded areas. Miles. I had it all planned out. I was gonna get fucking wasted which I did, walk deep into the cane and blow my brains out. Easy. No one would hear it and no one would find me or smell decay for a while if I went far enough in. Maybe a plow would just run me over while cutting the cane and not even know it ran over my decomposed body. That would be clean up.
I was just about to walk into that shit and our neighbor came walking up. She needed to borrow something. I hurried up and hid my weapon. Whatever it was, she didn't see but I could tell she sensed something weird. I was hammered. After that I just passed out again. I remember it being really fucking hot that day. Then I woke up and started drinking again.
Glad I never got to pull it off now. I am actually doing everything I have wanted to do for years and it is fulfilling. Don't get me wrong, I still got shit done when I was behaving like a train wreck but not at this rate. Anyway, I ain't ready to die yet anymore. So there.
The detoxing basically alone is what almost did me in. I really thought I was a goner. I remember laying on the floor then embracing the toilet puking up bile and sweating like a whore in church, half naked asking myself, "Now you're gonna do it? Great job asshole". Still didn't happen.
~THE END~
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