Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have taken a nap today, well yesterday. I knew it. My sleeping patterns are all over the place so I have been trying to get up really early and blast through the day then turn off around 10PM and go to bed before midnight. Balance everything out that way I can work through the day and watch movies at night, then fall asleep. They put me to sleep. I need some kind of background noise like music or movies to crash out, otherwise my head won't shut off. I get distracted all up in there and end up pacing the floor for a while or bouncing back and forth with different shit that I am trying to create. There is no fucking off switch in my head. Like tonight, I just can't focus so I am screwed which is why I am wide awake at 5:46AM typing this unimportant bullshit. Maybe staring at a screen will make me sleepy. If so it probably won't happen until around 8AM...if I am lucky. It is so fucked up. Then when I start playing out again, everything will flip around. So, why bother trying to harness anything when it's just uncontrollable in the first place?? I ain't into pill popping and all that shit either so there goes that idea. Out the window. Melatonin does absolutely nothing.
In other news, I don't like drinking out of plastic containers so I buy glass ones to store water and tea in. I boil the water and when it cools dump it into the glass containers. Old milk or juice bottles. I was watching some movie and got up to walk around. I saw a bottle of apple cider vinegar on the counter and grabbed it. Grabbed it, took off the cap then realized that it wasn't one of my water bottles just as I was about to take a huge chug of that shit. I was about to fucking go for it too. Man, that would've sucked a bag of dicks so bad. Probably would've started coughing and puking... Who knows? Thank whatever that I didn't find out the hard way though. Fuck this, I am gonna try another movie. This is senseless rattle. I am a little tired now. I am so fucking bored... maybe that helped.
~Bye~
~Hello again~
Well that went along just as I figured it would but definitely not part of the plan. I watched 1/2 of a movie and zonked out then woke up around 10:15AM. Best (insert sarcasm) part is that I woke up to a voicemail from my Mother to let me know that my Grandfather had passed away this morning. He has been ill for quite some time now, and in the hospital. It was inevitable to say the least. As sad as it is to face the truth, it was also expected. So, I went for a bike ride on The Plymouth Whip. That thing rides smooth. Thought a bit.
My Mother's Father was 80ish, maybe early 80's in years. I don't know that exactly. He was a cool cat from what I knew/know about him but he definitely battled his demons. He was a heavy drinker in his prime and had 7 kids total. He gave up drinking with some treatment and through working the program. From what I have gathered throughout the years is that there was an extended period of time where most of his own children wouldn't even speak to him. I ain't one to talk. I didn't know him like they did. He was always the same man to me. Well, somehow he managed to dig himself out of all that mess. He was a heavy smoker for most of his life as well and even fought off lung cancer not so long ago. He definitely saw his share of shit. Put it that way.
When I was a kid and would see him which was not all that often, he loved fucking with me. He would tell me that he had a fake eyeball and that I better behave or else he was gonna pop it out. That would scare the shit out of me. Other times he would just call me over and pretend he was digging it out to simply show me. He didn't have a fake eye. At least I don't think he did. It used to scare the shit out of me though. He would laugh about it. He also smoked a tobacco pipe. I loved the smell of it. The best way for me to describe him is that he looked like Popeye's dad from the Robin Williams movie back in the early 80's or whenever that was that it came out. He always reminded me of that character. I told him that once as an adult and he got a chuckle out of it, "Could be worse I guess."
Everyone knew it was coming. Yet, most people don't want to admit death's arrival is nearing. Those people come up with all of this "woe is me crap, I am losing a loved one". I call bullshit. Most but not all of those people are just crying for attention and losing a close friend or family member is first class in self loathing department. Everybody wiping your little butt and and all that. They died dumbass, not you. Not yet at least. It's fucking true and if you are reading this you know it is. Most people are selfish maggots in my opinion. I have been there. What trips me out is that the worst ones with said behavior are the ones who get everything handed to them anyways.
A close family member and I were talking about this event about to turn the corner just a matter of days ago. He told me that he was "breaking apart or down". Something like that. Mind you this is a man who never bothered to call the now deceased in the first place. They would talk on occasion but to set it straight, he barely even knew the man aside from family holiday crap and all that type of crud. He asked me what I thought and basically why wasn't I all bummed out and mopey about the situation. This was roughly my response, though not verbatim yet in a nutshell I said:
~ Well man, the way I see it is like this. You weren't close enough to him to be breaking apart or being over dramatic about it. It would be selfish of me to feel that way or behave that way because I wasn't either. Yes, I loved him and the time we spent together. He is my Grandfather. He had a long life when he shouldn't have. With all the shit he has been through he should've died years ago to tell you the truth but he wasn't and ain't ready yet I guess. Shit, now that I am thinking about it, I should be dead by now too. To me acting surprised about his approaching demise is fucking ludicrous. He had already avoided death so many times while fighting off his demons and illnesses, had a nice sized litter of kids and lived to be this age to smile about it? I say he is ready. I think he knows it too. Yes, I love him and as selfish as it may sound, Godspeed to him. ~
He didn't like that answer. It's the truth though isn't it? Think fucking logically. People hate the God damned truth. That's why they lie so fucking much. Fact. They also hate admitting when they are proved wrong. Well, I may have to fly out to NOLA tomorrow if I can make the funeral. I'll know later today. I apologize if this read got a little morbid but then again never mind. I don't.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Cyborg Children and Reasons Why I Would Rather Fuck a Cactus these Days...
Worked at the tattoo shop yesterday, which I enjoy. Had to buy new phone too. It is pleasant that my service provider has a store location right next to the shop. It was a smooth day over all. Then I came home, curled up on the couch and watched a couple horror films. Open House and Human Centipede. Open House was pretty good and Human Centipede in my opinion was really fucking stupid but absolutely disgusting. I am not into anal anything so I kinda wanted to vomit a lot but other than that it was dumber than a tightrope walking, suicidal retard. If you don't mind feces and buttholes then have at it, champ. I was avoiding it for years because a couple of friends who love horror films said it was really gnarly. I just thought it was stupid and disgusting.
Thinking about it, it's almost sad how much we rely on all of these stupid devices these days. Children even have cell phones. WTF? That is absurd to think about. To me at least. A fucking 10 year old kid with a cell phone? AND, it's nicer than mine? Wild. It's just sucking up their childhood and youth. Now they play video games, text and shit like that instead of going outside and climbing trees or riding their bicycles, skateboarding, going fishing or whatever else. Glad in my days growing up, we didn't have them. My first one was when I was like 27 or something like that and living in Los Angeles. I got to Los Angeles at 25 too. Bought a fucking pager. Fuck it, I didn't know. Pretty soon women will be giving birth to cyborg infants. Humans with actual wiring and memory chips/cards plugged inside of their fucking skulls. Hell, you may even have to plug them in the wall by their assholes to charge them up, use batteries and whatnot... Hopefully I will be dead by the time they start building weapons and shit. A bunch of angry, robot children building massive weapons. The world already fucked so what's next? Surprise me. I forgot what that feels like.
Been busy otherwise on my end. A lot of drawing and painting. A lot of working on music. Should be done soon with the record now. All my stuff started crapping out on me, tape machines and such. It was bumming me out and had me all moping and feeling like throwing my hands in the fucking air and giving up. Today, I got my bearings and am back on track with it. Had to force myself and it worked. I want this thing to be as real as possible though so it's worth waiting for. Almost done now though. Even if nobody likes it I know in my heart that I tried. That is enough for me. It's getting close now and it makes me antsy. Haven't put a record out since 2005 or something like that...? 13 years. Fuck...
Went out to this little pub for a burger with Doug tonight. It was my celebratory "be a fat ass and treat yourself to an overpriced bacon cheeseburger for dinner because you solved a big problem and deserve one" meal. It was delicious though. "I'll just have a water". Like I said this last week chewed my mind up. At least I didn't fuck it all up with booze. I ain't got no big timeline on that adventure. Maybe I will drink again one day. Maybe not. Right now I don't. I don't even crave it much either which is something that I never thought would ooze from my brain into words. Matter of fact I know that I will drink again one day, just not like that psycho shit I was doing to myself. I am happy where I am at now so I will just keep doing what I am doing. Seems to be working. If I do I do, If I don't I don't.
I even found myself checking out girls again tonight. odd because for the last 2 years I have been completely disgusted by girls and humanity as a whole. Still am but crawling out of my shell does feel better. Looking at a woman and thinking hmmm... what's her story? Not like a rapist scumbag but genuinely though cautiously curious. Saw a couple nice ones. One in particular got my head kinda twisted up. She is a waitress at the place we went to eat. I keep thinking about her. She was beautiful and seemed very happy. Maybe she isn't, I was just observing and she smiled a lot. Fuck, for all I know she could be completely miserable. She wasn't waiting on us so I never spoke to her at all. I was just a hobo spectator at a table with my buddy... I did bust her looking at me a few times though. Ain't my first rodeo. Good thing I "fixed" my hair and put on clean t-shirt. Ain't tooting my own horn or nothing either but I noticed. Maybe I still got it after all? Shit, I ain't been laid in so long that probably wouldn't even know what to do. All I know is that the next time I stick my pecker in a chick I want to actually like her for starters. Secondly, feeling comfortable knowing that she, at some point, hadn't already fucked or sucked every other guy in the room without my knowing about it to some degree. You know? Fair warning at least would be appreciated. That would be a Godsend and relief to me. There is nothing more embarrassing or humiliating to a me than finding out that as my already toxic relationship (most are and it's always my fault so they say) evolves that my girl has seen more dick than a men's urinal and that I just shook hands with 5 different guys in 3 minutes who have skull fucked her before getting to her vagina while sticking fingers up her ass. I have had guy friends of mine tell me the didn't give a fuck what's been up in there, I think it's gross. Goes both ways with certain cretins I guess. Some don't care some actually do... I am a guilty party but at least I admit it. I have done more than my share of whoring. Nowadays I think about it like this - You want it respected then start with you first. I'm just not a fan of that awkward surprise of feeling totally blindsided and stupid is not a fun one. Then comes, "Hey, let me buy you a shot!" ~ "No thanx, man. I'm good." Point being is that I don't mind waiting for a good catch at this point. Matter of fact I would rather wait. Patience is a virtue to me these days. Besides, I am busy. Like mad scientist busy. A chick would only fuck everything up colliding with just another reason that Lil' Sambone will stay tucked away down there for now. I honestly cannot believe that he and I walked away unscathed from the battlefield of what they call "love" and sex. It's the equivalent of a Vietnam War miracle of sorts. Done with my rant.
Alright, green tea and horror movie time until I fall asleep. Got a long recording day tomorrow and I have a few days to make up for. Goodnight cruel world.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Sure Beats Pissing Head On into a Fan...
About 8AM. It's a thing called depression. It's been my best friend and worst enemy for my entire life. Some days are better than others but it's always there breathing on the back of my fucking neck. The last two I woke up with it next to me and it just followed me around all day like a ghost, lurking. This morning I opened my eyes and she is still here.
It feels like I've been blindfolded, gagged and buried for so long. I guess I have been to a degree. Years and years spent emotionally deprived and trying to crawl out of a hole. At least 3/4 of my life to say the least, but at least I ain't the only one.
It's that feeling where you make your way to almost being out of that deep fucking chasm filled with both verbal, physical, sexual abuse and enough anger to frighten the fucking Devil. You then get older harnessing these emotions and you put them in a box in your mind knowing that you are a better person than the one staring you back in the mirror. So, then you beat yourself up again with alcohol and you open that little box and fuck with yourself some more. It's all of the things that you know. What you've been taught, therefor what you have learned. There you are at the crossroads again, never really knowing which road to choose which in turn basically leaves you nowhere. So, you flip your last coin without many options and leave your choice up to the universe. Then time after time, right after you crawl back to the edge ~ there it is again. It steps on your hand, looks at you with a smile, changes your blindfold and gag... then it kicks you back down into your mess and starts throwing the dirt on top of you again. You feel weak. Maybe you are. No one understands you or why you react to certain situations in certain ways. You're alone in this ditch knowing you aren't the only one but feeling like you are. Well, that is how I feel. All of the time.
Doug just came downstairs and is going to work. guess I will go with him. What better place to sit and draw that at a fucking tattoo shop. Maybe I need the air and a walk around town. Gonna eat at the diner across the street. Alone preferably. Write more tonight.
I ended up coming home and didn't feel like writing anymore on this. My day ended up pretty good after all though. I brought some drawings that I have been working on to fuck with some more, pens, etc. Set them inside the shop and skinned out to the diner across the street...
I wanted to sit and have breakfast somewhere alone anyway so that is when everything started to fall into place. There was a man in an older, white Cadillac (80's/early 90's). I couldn't make out his face from the glare on the windshield. Not that it matters but he reason I knew it was a guy is because he started his car and then lowered the door window. I never even saw him get in the car but it was definitely a man. Then "I HOPE THAT I DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU" by Tom Waits came on as the Cadillac Man backed away from his parking spot and slowly rolled away. If you are at all familiar with Tom Waits (it's a huge disappointment if you aren't) then you would know that approaching a diner alone as a white Cadillac departs under an overcast sky with that music going is pretty fucking nostalgic. Oh, if you happen to be from another dimension or planet and don't know who he is then do yourself a favor. Quit reading this and look him up because if you are in fact reading this then you obviously know what the internet is. Anyway, to me it felt it was like a fucking movie. That's the kind of shit people would normally make up to dress a storyline and set the tone. To me at least. I ordered some breakfast and stared out the window for a while. What to do, what to do??I love that gray weather. Ate, went back to the shop and drew for a while.
A couple hours later I decided to go for a walk. It was nice being out of the house with my pals at the shop. Everyone was working and stuff but where I was is a lounge area where they come in and out to eat lunch and just break for a few minutes. We were cracking jokes and telling silly stories. That kind of shit. I do prefer to be alone most of the time. I don't like distractions like, "Hey, want to go bowling?" and other fun shit that I love to do. I am trying to stay focused on my projects at the moment. I have a lot in the works so I only hang out or associate with certain people to keep it that way. Focused. It is my law. I don't allow myself many distractions and I work at strange hours. It is just about all I think about. Everything else is obsolete to me. My point being is that it was nice to go out for a good walk where there is a bit more of a town type of area. Target and Wal-Mart, Walgreens and CVS, little coffee shops, restaurants, cars passing by and people walking around. No sirens or horns pissing me off though. I am always alone like I've mentioned a million times so, I guess I came up for air a bit and it felt nice. There I said it. It felt nice to come out a little. Like an old hermit crab. My whole thing is that I don't fucking trust anyone. At least not enough people to count on both hands. I would still have some empty fingers with question marks on them. My Mom literally just called me to let me know that my Grandfather had been admitted to the hospital. Great. He is a cool man. Seen a lot of shit too, but he is old. On my walk yesterday I was thinking about the day I would get that call. Looky at that shit... Enough negative shit for now. I was crawling out and see what I mean? Kicked. Not today buddy.
Well, on the walk I found this little antique and collectibles place. There wasn't really sign out front either, just a poster board with that shit written on it in marker placed in the window. A least I didn't see a sign. Maybe from the street view the have one. Anyway, so I went inside. The place was so small but packed to the hilt with rad stuff. Old badass vinyl, 8 track tapes and old cameras, old toys and cool paintings in sick frames, mirrors and toys, bunches of books and old comic books...a lot of stuff. I will leave it at that. I had to leave. The guy there told me that if there was anything that I liked and wanted to haggle a bit to let him know. I told him that I was just walking by and would definitely be back. I wonder how long that place has been there. How does it stay open? There was no one in there. Crickets were chirping in that motherfucker it was so dead.
I went to Target and walked around there for a while. Looked at random stuff while wondering if I needed anything. No, just walking around. I looked at the toy section for a while then remembered that I needed soap! bought some soap and walked back to the shop. Ate the leftovers from breakfast and drew for a couple more hours. Then Doug went and I went eat some chicken wing spot that is pretty good. I usually get my food to go so that I can watch TV at home while I eat while I wind down. The place had a Tom Petty station on and we agreed that losing that guy was such a heavy blow to music. What a tragic loss. Came home and stained a painting in the basement while my food heated in the oven and started watching a Thor movie while I ate hit pause and did the dishes. Tucked in on the couch to finish the movie but zonked out in the middle of that. Slept good.
Woke up today around 8AM again. Threw on some crappy clothes and was cutting the grass by 8:30. I like to do all the shit that I don't enjoy doing with my days first that way I can enjoy the rest of the day doing shit I like... Dig? After that I made myself breakfast and finished the the Thor movie. Dishes again, I hate dirty dishes, then I remembered a big ass box that I couldn't fit in the recycle bin. Trash pick up is tomorrow. Guess I could've cut it up but decided to burn it instead. More fun. Then I went down by the creek for a few minutes and started gathering old limbs and shit for the fire pit. If it gets chilly again tonight maybe I will light it up. If not then I will just keep adding more until the time is right. Hurry up recorder. Gotta role out the bins to the road, Sambone. Gonna go draw. There I go talking to myself again. See what happens next I suppose...
~THE END~
It feels like I've been blindfolded, gagged and buried for so long. I guess I have been to a degree. Years and years spent emotionally deprived and trying to crawl out of a hole. At least 3/4 of my life to say the least, but at least I ain't the only one.
It's that feeling where you make your way to almost being out of that deep fucking chasm filled with both verbal, physical, sexual abuse and enough anger to frighten the fucking Devil. You then get older harnessing these emotions and you put them in a box in your mind knowing that you are a better person than the one staring you back in the mirror. So, then you beat yourself up again with alcohol and you open that little box and fuck with yourself some more. It's all of the things that you know. What you've been taught, therefor what you have learned. There you are at the crossroads again, never really knowing which road to choose which in turn basically leaves you nowhere. So, you flip your last coin without many options and leave your choice up to the universe. Then time after time, right after you crawl back to the edge ~ there it is again. It steps on your hand, looks at you with a smile, changes your blindfold and gag... then it kicks you back down into your mess and starts throwing the dirt on top of you again. You feel weak. Maybe you are. No one understands you or why you react to certain situations in certain ways. You're alone in this ditch knowing you aren't the only one but feeling like you are. Well, that is how I feel. All of the time.
Doug just came downstairs and is going to work. guess I will go with him. What better place to sit and draw that at a fucking tattoo shop. Maybe I need the air and a walk around town. Gonna eat at the diner across the street. Alone preferably. Write more tonight.
I ended up coming home and didn't feel like writing anymore on this. My day ended up pretty good after all though. I brought some drawings that I have been working on to fuck with some more, pens, etc. Set them inside the shop and skinned out to the diner across the street...
I wanted to sit and have breakfast somewhere alone anyway so that is when everything started to fall into place. There was a man in an older, white Cadillac (80's/early 90's). I couldn't make out his face from the glare on the windshield. Not that it matters but he reason I knew it was a guy is because he started his car and then lowered the door window. I never even saw him get in the car but it was definitely a man. Then "I HOPE THAT I DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU" by Tom Waits came on as the Cadillac Man backed away from his parking spot and slowly rolled away. If you are at all familiar with Tom Waits (it's a huge disappointment if you aren't) then you would know that approaching a diner alone as a white Cadillac departs under an overcast sky with that music going is pretty fucking nostalgic. Oh, if you happen to be from another dimension or planet and don't know who he is then do yourself a favor. Quit reading this and look him up because if you are in fact reading this then you obviously know what the internet is. Anyway, to me it felt it was like a fucking movie. That's the kind of shit people would normally make up to dress a storyline and set the tone. To me at least. I ordered some breakfast and stared out the window for a while. What to do, what to do??I love that gray weather. Ate, went back to the shop and drew for a while.
A couple hours later I decided to go for a walk. It was nice being out of the house with my pals at the shop. Everyone was working and stuff but where I was is a lounge area where they come in and out to eat lunch and just break for a few minutes. We were cracking jokes and telling silly stories. That kind of shit. I do prefer to be alone most of the time. I don't like distractions like, "Hey, want to go bowling?" and other fun shit that I love to do. I am trying to stay focused on my projects at the moment. I have a lot in the works so I only hang out or associate with certain people to keep it that way. Focused. It is my law. I don't allow myself many distractions and I work at strange hours. It is just about all I think about. Everything else is obsolete to me. My point being is that it was nice to go out for a good walk where there is a bit more of a town type of area. Target and Wal-Mart, Walgreens and CVS, little coffee shops, restaurants, cars passing by and people walking around. No sirens or horns pissing me off though. I am always alone like I've mentioned a million times so, I guess I came up for air a bit and it felt nice. There I said it. It felt nice to come out a little. Like an old hermit crab. My whole thing is that I don't fucking trust anyone. At least not enough people to count on both hands. I would still have some empty fingers with question marks on them. My Mom literally just called me to let me know that my Grandfather had been admitted to the hospital. Great. He is a cool man. Seen a lot of shit too, but he is old. On my walk yesterday I was thinking about the day I would get that call. Looky at that shit... Enough negative shit for now. I was crawling out and see what I mean? Kicked. Not today buddy.
Well, on the walk I found this little antique and collectibles place. There wasn't really sign out front either, just a poster board with that shit written on it in marker placed in the window. A least I didn't see a sign. Maybe from the street view the have one. Anyway, so I went inside. The place was so small but packed to the hilt with rad stuff. Old badass vinyl, 8 track tapes and old cameras, old toys and cool paintings in sick frames, mirrors and toys, bunches of books and old comic books...a lot of stuff. I will leave it at that. I had to leave. The guy there told me that if there was anything that I liked and wanted to haggle a bit to let him know. I told him that I was just walking by and would definitely be back. I wonder how long that place has been there. How does it stay open? There was no one in there. Crickets were chirping in that motherfucker it was so dead.
I went to Target and walked around there for a while. Looked at random stuff while wondering if I needed anything. No, just walking around. I looked at the toy section for a while then remembered that I needed soap! bought some soap and walked back to the shop. Ate the leftovers from breakfast and drew for a couple more hours. Then Doug went and I went eat some chicken wing spot that is pretty good. I usually get my food to go so that I can watch TV at home while I eat while I wind down. The place had a Tom Petty station on and we agreed that losing that guy was such a heavy blow to music. What a tragic loss. Came home and stained a painting in the basement while my food heated in the oven and started watching a Thor movie while I ate hit pause and did the dishes. Tucked in on the couch to finish the movie but zonked out in the middle of that. Slept good.
Woke up today around 8AM again. Threw on some crappy clothes and was cutting the grass by 8:30. I like to do all the shit that I don't enjoy doing with my days first that way I can enjoy the rest of the day doing shit I like... Dig? After that I made myself breakfast and finished the the Thor movie. Dishes again, I hate dirty dishes, then I remembered a big ass box that I couldn't fit in the recycle bin. Trash pick up is tomorrow. Guess I could've cut it up but decided to burn it instead. More fun. Then I went down by the creek for a few minutes and started gathering old limbs and shit for the fire pit. If it gets chilly again tonight maybe I will light it up. If not then I will just keep adding more until the time is right. Hurry up recorder. Gotta role out the bins to the road, Sambone. Gonna go draw. There I go talking to myself again. See what happens next I suppose...
~THE END~
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