About 8AM. It's a thing called depression. It's been my best friend and worst enemy for my entire life. Some days are better than others but it's always there breathing on the back of my fucking neck. The last two I woke up with it next to me and it just followed me around all day like a ghost, lurking. This morning I opened my eyes and she is still here.
It feels like I've been blindfolded, gagged and buried for so long. I guess I have been to a degree. Years and years spent emotionally deprived and trying to crawl out of a hole. At least 3/4 of my life to say the least, but at least I ain't the only one.
It's that feeling where you make your way to almost being out of that deep fucking chasm filled with both verbal, physical, sexual abuse and enough anger to frighten the fucking Devil. You then get older harnessing these emotions and you put them in a box in your mind knowing that you are a better person than the one staring you back in the mirror. So, then you beat yourself up again with alcohol and you open that little box and fuck with yourself some more. It's all of the things that you know. What you've been taught, therefor what you have learned. There you are at the crossroads again, never really knowing which road to choose which in turn basically leaves you nowhere. So, you flip your last coin without many options and leave your choice up to the universe. Then time after time, right after you crawl back to the edge ~ there it is again. It steps on your hand, looks at you with a smile, changes your blindfold and gag... then it kicks you back down into your mess and starts throwing the dirt on top of you again. You feel weak. Maybe you are. No one understands you or why you react to certain situations in certain ways. You're alone in this ditch knowing you aren't the only one but feeling like you are. Well, that is how I feel. All of the time.
Doug just came downstairs and is going to work. guess I will go with him. What better place to sit and draw that at a fucking tattoo shop. Maybe I need the air and a walk around town. Gonna eat at the diner across the street. Alone preferably. Write more tonight.
I ended up coming home and didn't feel like writing anymore on this. My day ended up pretty good after all though. I brought some drawings that I have been working on to fuck with some more, pens, etc. Set them inside the shop and skinned out to the diner across the street...
I wanted to sit and have breakfast somewhere alone anyway so that is when everything started to fall into place. There was a man in an older, white Cadillac (80's/early 90's). I couldn't make out his face from the glare on the windshield. Not that it matters but he reason I knew it was a guy is because he started his car and then lowered the door window. I never even saw him get in the car but it was definitely a man. Then "I HOPE THAT I DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU" by Tom Waits came on as the Cadillac Man backed away from his parking spot and slowly rolled away. If you are at all familiar with Tom Waits (it's a huge disappointment if you aren't) then you would know that approaching a diner alone as a white Cadillac departs under an overcast sky with that music going is pretty fucking nostalgic. Oh, if you happen to be from another dimension or planet and don't know who he is then do yourself a favor. Quit reading this and look him up because if you are in fact reading this then you obviously know what the internet is. Anyway, to me it felt it was like a fucking movie. That's the kind of shit people would normally make up to dress a storyline and set the tone. To me at least. I ordered some breakfast and stared out the window for a while. What to do, what to do??I love that gray weather. Ate, went back to the shop and drew for a while.
A couple hours later I decided to go for a walk. It was nice being out of the house with my pals at the shop. Everyone was working and stuff but where I was is a lounge area where they come in and out to eat lunch and just break for a few minutes. We were cracking jokes and telling silly stories. That kind of shit. I do prefer to be alone most of the time. I don't like distractions like, "Hey, want to go bowling?" and other fun shit that I love to do. I am trying to stay focused on my projects at the moment. I have a lot in the works so I only hang out or associate with certain people to keep it that way. Focused. It is my law. I don't allow myself many distractions and I work at strange hours. It is just about all I think about. Everything else is obsolete to me. My point being is that it was nice to go out for a good walk where there is a bit more of a town type of area. Target and Wal-Mart, Walgreens and CVS, little coffee shops, restaurants, cars passing by and people walking around. No sirens or horns pissing me off though. I am always alone like I've mentioned a million times so, I guess I came up for air a bit and it felt nice. There I said it. It felt nice to come out a little. Like an old hermit crab. My whole thing is that I don't fucking trust anyone. At least not enough people to count on both hands. I would still have some empty fingers with question marks on them. My Mom literally just called me to let me know that my Grandfather had been admitted to the hospital. Great. He is a cool man. Seen a lot of shit too, but he is old. On my walk yesterday I was thinking about the day I would get that call. Looky at that shit... Enough negative shit for now. I was crawling out and see what I mean? Kicked. Not today buddy.
Well, on the walk I found this little antique and collectibles place. There wasn't really sign out front either, just a poster board with that shit written on it in marker placed in the window. A least I didn't see a sign. Maybe from the street view the have one. Anyway, so I went inside. The place was so small but packed to the hilt with rad stuff. Old badass vinyl, 8 track tapes and old cameras, old toys and cool paintings in sick frames, mirrors and toys, bunches of books and old comic books...a lot of stuff. I will leave it at that. I had to leave. The guy there told me that if there was anything that I liked and wanted to haggle a bit to let him know. I told him that I was just walking by and would definitely be back. I wonder how long that place has been there. How does it stay open? There was no one in there. Crickets were chirping in that motherfucker it was so dead.
I went to Target and walked around there for a while. Looked at random stuff while wondering if I needed anything. No, just walking around. I looked at the toy section for a while then remembered that I needed soap! bought some soap and walked back to the shop. Ate the leftovers from breakfast and drew for a couple more hours. Then Doug went and I went eat some chicken wing spot that is pretty good. I usually get my food to go so that I can watch TV at home while I eat while I wind down. The place had a Tom Petty station on and we agreed that losing that guy was such a heavy blow to music. What a tragic loss. Came home and stained a painting in the basement while my food heated in the oven and started watching a Thor movie while I ate hit pause and did the dishes. Tucked in on the couch to finish the movie but zonked out in the middle of that. Slept good.
Woke up today around 8AM again. Threw on some crappy clothes and was cutting the grass by 8:30. I like to do all the shit that I don't enjoy doing with my days first that way I can enjoy the rest of the day doing shit I like... Dig? After that I made myself breakfast and finished the the Thor movie. Dishes again, I hate dirty dishes, then I remembered a big ass box that I couldn't fit in the recycle bin. Trash pick up is tomorrow. Guess I could've cut it up but decided to burn it instead. More fun. Then I went down by the creek for a few minutes and started gathering old limbs and shit for the fire pit. If it gets chilly again tonight maybe I will light it up. If not then I will just keep adding more until the time is right. Hurry up recorder. Gotta role out the bins to the road, Sambone. Gonna go draw. There I go talking to myself again. See what happens next I suppose...
~THE END~
No comments:
Post a Comment