Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have taken a nap today, well yesterday. I knew it. My sleeping patterns are all over the place so I have been trying to get up really early and blast through the day then turn off around 10PM and go to bed before midnight. Balance everything out that way I can work through the day and watch movies at night, then fall asleep. They put me to sleep. I need some kind of background noise like music or movies to crash out, otherwise my head won't shut off. I get distracted all up in there and end up pacing the floor for a while or bouncing back and forth with different shit that I am trying to create. There is no fucking off switch in my head. Like tonight, I just can't focus so I am screwed which is why I am wide awake at 5:46AM typing this unimportant bullshit. Maybe staring at a screen will make me sleepy. If so it probably won't happen until around 8AM...if I am lucky. It is so fucked up. Then when I start playing out again, everything will flip around. So, why bother trying to harness anything when it's just uncontrollable in the first place?? I ain't into pill popping and all that shit either so there goes that idea. Out the window. Melatonin does absolutely nothing.
In other news, I don't like drinking out of plastic containers so I buy glass ones to store water and tea in. I boil the water and when it cools dump it into the glass containers. Old milk or juice bottles. I was watching some movie and got up to walk around. I saw a bottle of apple cider vinegar on the counter and grabbed it. Grabbed it, took off the cap then realized that it wasn't one of my water bottles just as I was about to take a huge chug of that shit. I was about to fucking go for it too. Man, that would've sucked a bag of dicks so bad. Probably would've started coughing and puking... Who knows? Thank whatever that I didn't find out the hard way though. Fuck this, I am gonna try another movie. This is senseless rattle. I am a little tired now. I am so fucking bored... maybe that helped.
~Bye~
~Hello again~
Well that went along just as I figured it would but definitely not part of the plan. I watched 1/2 of a movie and zonked out then woke up around 10:15AM. Best (insert sarcasm) part is that I woke up to a voicemail from my Mother to let me know that my Grandfather had passed away this morning. He has been ill for quite some time now, and in the hospital. It was inevitable to say the least. As sad as it is to face the truth, it was also expected. So, I went for a bike ride on The Plymouth Whip. That thing rides smooth. Thought a bit.
My Mother's Father was 80ish, maybe early 80's in years. I don't know that exactly. He was a cool cat from what I knew/know about him but he definitely battled his demons. He was a heavy drinker in his prime and had 7 kids total. He gave up drinking with some treatment and through working the program. From what I have gathered throughout the years is that there was an extended period of time where most of his own children wouldn't even speak to him. I ain't one to talk. I didn't know him like they did. He was always the same man to me. Well, somehow he managed to dig himself out of all that mess. He was a heavy smoker for most of his life as well and even fought off lung cancer not so long ago. He definitely saw his share of shit. Put it that way.
When I was a kid and would see him which was not all that often, he loved fucking with me. He would tell me that he had a fake eyeball and that I better behave or else he was gonna pop it out. That would scare the shit out of me. Other times he would just call me over and pretend he was digging it out to simply show me. He didn't have a fake eye. At least I don't think he did. It used to scare the shit out of me though. He would laugh about it. He also smoked a tobacco pipe. I loved the smell of it. The best way for me to describe him is that he looked like Popeye's dad from the Robin Williams movie back in the early 80's or whenever that was that it came out. He always reminded me of that character. I told him that once as an adult and he got a chuckle out of it, "Could be worse I guess."
Everyone knew it was coming. Yet, most people don't want to admit death's arrival is nearing. Those people come up with all of this "woe is me crap, I am losing a loved one". I call bullshit. Most but not all of those people are just crying for attention and losing a close friend or family member is first class in self loathing department. Everybody wiping your little butt and and all that. They died dumbass, not you. Not yet at least. It's fucking true and if you are reading this you know it is. Most people are selfish maggots in my opinion. I have been there. What trips me out is that the worst ones with said behavior are the ones who get everything handed to them anyways.
A close family member and I were talking about this event about to turn the corner just a matter of days ago. He told me that he was "breaking apart or down". Something like that. Mind you this is a man who never bothered to call the now deceased in the first place. They would talk on occasion but to set it straight, he barely even knew the man aside from family holiday crap and all that type of crud. He asked me what I thought and basically why wasn't I all bummed out and mopey about the situation. This was roughly my response, though not verbatim yet in a nutshell I said:
~ Well man, the way I see it is like this. You weren't close enough to him to be breaking apart or being over dramatic about it. It would be selfish of me to feel that way or behave that way because I wasn't either. Yes, I loved him and the time we spent together. He is my Grandfather. He had a long life when he shouldn't have. With all the shit he has been through he should've died years ago to tell you the truth but he wasn't and ain't ready yet I guess. Shit, now that I am thinking about it, I should be dead by now too. To me acting surprised about his approaching demise is fucking ludicrous. He had already avoided death so many times while fighting off his demons and illnesses, had a nice sized litter of kids and lived to be this age to smile about it? I say he is ready. I think he knows it too. Yes, I love him and as selfish as it may sound, Godspeed to him. ~
He didn't like that answer. It's the truth though isn't it? Think fucking logically. People hate the God damned truth. That's why they lie so fucking much. Fact. They also hate admitting when they are proved wrong. Well, I may have to fly out to NOLA tomorrow if I can make the funeral. I'll know later today. I apologize if this read got a little morbid but then again never mind. I don't.
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